The wrong kinda ‘Third-Party’…

First people, I had to do a quick port to WordPress please.

Blogspot wahala became way too much. Then I decided to check WP out and realized it is actually cooler and simpler. Life is not this Blogger-complicated please. Thank you to all who had been acting as WP Voltrons here on my blog.

So welcome to my fresh page on WordPress. I have to find a way to move my old articles AND the comments here. I hope that is possible. I would also like to host my own Domain name. for some reason, my cards are not working. Both US and Nigeria. Because of anonymity, I have to be careful who I can ask to help. Agh!!! Please WP Bloggers who have hosted their own domain names, HELP!!!

Ok this post is long overdue so I would get to it already… I have been editing and editing to make sure I do not blow my cover. Hopefully, this final piece would still pass the message across as my story without any damage. I don’t think most people I know read me yet but still… #CantBeTooCareful

I recall my dating years. In College, I was your Poster girl for Miss Popular and I had a number of friends with whom I rolled. I was bornagain (I still am of course) and so were my friends BUT still… I let them in on WAY TOO MUCH about my relationship. It looked like WE were all dating my husband (Intended then) together. Whenever he read my messages, or overheard me on the Phone, he would always tell me very nicely that he felt we discussed too much.

Now don’t get me wrong. It is NOT wrong to have great girlfriends’ time outs with the girls and discus ‘stuff’ but I didn’t know where to draw the line. If I had a quarrel, bang, I was gisting my friends. If we had challenges with maintaining physical boundaries (within the recommendations of the Bible), I would spill to a friend at least.

Lesson: Err, NOPE. No guy wants this out there at all.

Infact, I made so many wrong moves ooo.

Then something happened that changed me. I had a major fall out with my intended. Marriage was drawing near at the time. I totally went incommunicado. He it was who hurt me (Now that I think back though, I think I over reacted) and he tried so much to reach me. No way. I had of course gisted EVERYONE and their dogs what happened. Ok I gisted like 3 of my friends. We were in different states and he had to fly to my state and started a local ‘D-hunt’. He had to use my friends, two of the three worked in the same town as I did but I had some time off work so he couldn’t just trail me to work. Infact, I made myself totally incommunicado. Finally, one friend managed to pull some James Bond and helped him locate me. Like I said, he was in the wrong and I had cut him to bite size pieces with my friends (Dear God, thank you for helping me TOSS my caustic tongue). One friend was wise. She knew he was wrong. She made me understand that he didn’t know that would hurt me that much. She preached and harassed me to at least hear him out. I mean, she just knew my intended and I have an amazing thing going and forgiveness is a part of this package so babe, GO WORK IT OUT. The second friend? Ah, she cut him to size just like I did. And to his face. She said something like ‘If I was D, I would have dealt with you/been even angrier/etc…’ Still Mr. D knew he needed her to reach me so he put up with her. End of the day, both friends were a part of the ‘D Make-up party’. Peace returned and so did all the ‘I-can’t-leave-without-you’ kinda love. But, I now began to ‘resent’ that friend who DARED to help me fight my intended. I mean, who send you lol. Overtime tho, I forgave her BUT Mr. D till today doesn’t like her as much and I am sure he wouldn’t mind if we stopped being friends. I mean, his relationship with her just nose-dived and you know how this thing is with couples’? I knew he didn’t dig her so much anymore and soon my relationship with her started to weaken. I mean, we are still friends ooo but I can’t discus even the most trivial things with her.

I also learnt a HUGE lesson. How you treat your partner is most often how your friends would treat him too. Women especially. I dunno if men have as much problems. But we women have to be careful on stuff we share with our girlfriends about our relationship because aside from the fact that MOST MEN MIND having their business out there, we also don’t want our friends to treat our men anyhow. You certainly don’t want any girl cutting your man down. Not cool at all. Friends too also need to be careful as per how they handle gist. If possible, don’t be super interested in all the details and be sure not to take unnecessary sides especially if that friendship is important to you…

Prov 4:7 Wisdom is the principal thing… And with all thy getting, get understanding.

I learnt this lesson a sad way. I still had to speak to a senior mentor. Every relationship needs a mentor please. A Christian Mature godly Christian very godly etc mentor. Preferably a Couple. I needed to know where to draw the So he told me that it really wasn’t a problem talking to friends BUT I had to ask myself WHY I was doing that. Was it just for gisting sake? Or to get counsel? If it is for the former, then maybe you should zip it. If it is for the latter, be sure you are talking to someone who has a higher level of knowledge than you and is not afraid to tell you the hard truth no matter what, not just some girl who would indulge all your excesses.

Today, do I still talk? Yes I do. But with plenty of wisdom. I talk first to Mr. D. we talk and argue talk and argue talk about it. Where we both agree we need someone else, a superior knowledge, then I talk to another godly mentor/couple. I don’t just talk for talking sake. I won’t say I am perfect yet but I am well on Track RIGHT…

I hope this blessed you. I love to hear from you. Drop a comment. Mail me at marriagebydbook@gmail.com and if there is any topic you want me to handle or any question you want me to ask, feel free to holler.

I should do my SEX post already. Remember the one I mentioned in the last Post on Blogger here

Keep living life by the BOOK dar’ins

It totally works…

Love…

Mrs. D

16 thoughts on “The wrong kinda ‘Third-Party’…

  1. “Thank you to all who had been acting as WP Voltrons here on my blog” Hehehee, you’re welcome dear! And welcome to WordPress, glad you like it.

    I can sooo relate with this post! You’re right, no man wants “inside” stuff out there! I am so guilty of over-sharing, it’s not even funny 😦 I’m encouraged that at least someone knows how easy it is to feel no qualms about sharing with amazing friends who I’ve known for years, and who are committed to Jesus. But it doesn’t make it right…I really have to stop doing that.

    I run a Blackberry Group for wives and we encourage, counsel and uplift each other. One time, one of us needed to share from personal experience to help someone who had issues. She went silent for a while and then came back to say “I’ve asked hubby, he says it’s okay to share.” And I was like, would I have done that? I doubt it. I’d have just kept it to myself, or shared if I felt it was okay. Either way it would have been MY call alone, and that is so not cool.

    I’m thinking I should just repent here and now, and ask his permission before I share anything henceforth…

    Thanks for this post, God bless you!

    • My dear, true ooo. We may not mind but we gotta check with him to be sure he doesn’t too.
      Sometimes, we share to encourage or teach someone else which he should not have a problem with (I hope) but for gisting sake…? No
      God bless that Sister. That was a major lesson right there…
      Bless you African Divah…
      Mrs. D

  2. Hmmm….The thing we learn over time. I feel you sis. The way you treat your man is the same way your friends will treat him. One thing we need to remind ourselves is that after the fight, when we’ve made love and forgotten it all, the outsider we brought into the fight will still have that nugget of information about us and forever see the hubby as “that guy who did XX to his wife that day”….Great Post!

    • My dear, true talk… They would still have that information about him (us) and the more they have, the more our relationship is reduced increasingly to something of a joke. Ugh
      I recall a friend’s hubby calling me to help beg his wife and when I waded in (WITHOUT the details being known to me) I told my friend to NEVER let that happen again. I won’t have to be a middle man between husband and wife. Cos the more I do it, the more i will sorta be looking down on the man… And that is a real BAD place to be…
      Thanks Inthe…
      Mrs. D

  3. Giiiirrrl. I feel your pain o. maintaining anonymity is hard! especially with regards to marriage. Because you want to protect your marriage while still sharing things you feel may be helpful for others too!
    As for the talking to friends thing. I hear you. My only question is this. I really feel that real friends don’t hide things from you. If your friends caught your husband or boyfriend doing something wrong, would you want them to tell you? If you found out later on your own, how would you feel knowing they knew but didn’t tell you anything.
    lastly THANK YOU SO MUCH for porting to wordpress. Your blog looks even lovelier now. Try http://www.doncaprio.com/2013/10/how-to-activate-a-valid-paypal-account-in-nigeriaghana.html to figure out how to use a card in nigeria to pay for a domain name

  4. Great post.. I used to be a ‘talker’ in my previous relationship cause I am a ‘sharer’ lol.. But, I agree with you, once you have ‘washed’ your man before others, it’s difficult to redeem his image before them again. This goes for family members as well..

    Yorubas say “owun ani la’n gbe laruge” (I hope I got that right).. Loosely translated.. You are the one that will lift up (praise up) what you have..

    It’s difficult sometimes cause you just want to lash out and speak to someone about it but mehn speak to God.. He never judges nor keeps record of wrongs + He’s seen worse 😀

  5. I know right!!! Anonymityis work ooo.
    Thanks for the blog compliment. I love the layout too. and I have subscribers. Whoop!!!
    Lol
    I will check them out asap. Thank you darling…
    Ok, to your quetion.
    That is a VERY dicey matter. I have a twin sister. I would not mind hearing it from her because she knows how to ‘manage’ that sort of information.
    I have been in that situation before where the partner of my friend was cheating. I did NOT tell her. I didn’t think we had that sort of relationship. But i decided to tell her partner to do the right thing. Lst last sha, I realized that she knew even before marriage and she kinda liked being in denial. Telling her may have moved me to the enemy’s camp.
    So if I must say anything, I would just let the man know that I know and have him tell his wife especially i it is a one-off mistake;. But where a guy is a philanderer, chances are the girl knows already so…
    But if we are THAT close, i MAY tell the girl but I would always wanna talk to the dude first.
    This is really dicey.
    Now if my own hubby was cheating and my friends knew?
    I will be right back with this answer…
    Mrs. D

  6. @naijawife
    Ok, if for some IMPOSIBLE reason under heaven (lol) a friend of mine catches my hubby cheating…(I presume this is what u mean by doing something wrong…)
    Hmmmmmmmm. Would I want her to tell me?
    Well, I have never considered this not just because I trust my husband but I trust the God in Him and His grace to help me have eyes for me and me alone.
    I would rather hear it from my husband tho…
    But
    It is such a huge issue that I think I would focus less on who told me or didn’t or how and more on how to deal with i. At the end of the day, na me and am go face am so…
    We have after all seen Couples deal with infidelity with the woman standing by her man through it all (Or vice versa. Esp when we are not talking HABIT here).
    Gosh, infidelity is so hard. Even imagining it is giving me a headache. Naijawife just totally brought a different slant to it and I would like to throw this open and get opinions…

  7. HUGE LESSON LEARNT
    *Sitting on the floor and eating my humble pie of repentance…*
    Me that has at leat 5 inner circle friends… Ugh
    God will keep giving grace
    Great Post ma
    We need to do our SEX/VIRGINITY Post already
    Then please port all your Posts from Blogger to WP ooo
    Thank God you ported abeg.
    Blogger is crapper hehehehehe

  8. Pingback: While you are waiting… #PurposefullySingle | The F.A.B. sister's Blog

  9. Pingback: Doing Marriage by The Book

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s