Dear Mrs. D, I feel no SPARKS with my partner.

*waves shyly* *covers face*

How is everybody doing?

It was a LONG hiatus, it was not meant to be but life and laziness got in the way. I apologise. Good news is, I AM BACK. Yaay…

You would not believe I didn’t even check my mailbox. I logged out totally, Emails, Twitter, everything. I am even surprised I still have a blog to return to. I had to do a password recovery for all my accounts. It was a lot of work but I got them all sorted.

I apologise for all the emails I didn’t respond to. I have now so check your inbox though some are so belated I could cry. Ooomph!!!

Ok, so I decided to launch back with a question that reoccurred in my inbox from a couple of ‘Booksies’. Yes that would be our own moniker here, Booksie, a BOOK lover, a BIBLE lover.

Ok so on to our topic,

Marrying someone you have absolutely NO attraction for.

I am talking purely physical attraction here.

You do NOT like the way he looks, his complexion, how he dresses and stuff.

Your heart does NOT do butterflies when you see him and you fear your sex life may be miserable

Most handsome man in the world, I hear

Most handsome man in the world, I hear

Sweetheart, I not only HEAR you, I FEEL you.

Why?

I have walked your shoes. I LOVED my boyfriend then (now husband) a lot and spiritually, mentally, etc, he was A-OK, BUT physically, I always thought he wasn’t quite all that. And I am quite the looker (hey, a girl is allowed to blow her trumpet, no?) I thought his color was too ‘bright’, his hair didn’t grow quite in the right shape and he could do with a more ‘fun’ personality.

But I had an ex that would give any lady major butterflies. I mean, he looked like he ALWAYS stepped out of a high fashion magazine. A D O N I S

Phew.

Now don’t get me wrong, I certainly wasn’t lusting after my ex and I knew I was done with him, but I just wished I could transfer my ex’s looks to my then boyfriend. I KNEW I would ‘explode’ literally in bed with my ex when we got married because we had such a great connection physically, plus we were PICTURE PERFECT. But spiritually? That Brother was not it AT ALL!!!

Like you know, I did go ahead to marry him because frankly, his CHARACTER more than made up for what he lacked physically. Plus I KNEW I had to stop being foolish and comparing.

Permit me to share some lines from TD Jakes Classic, THE LADY, HER LOVER AND HER LORD$(KGrHqZHJFcFHoMdKR3(BR+yh4EyyQ~~60_35

‘…PASSION (or may I say Butterflies) can bind us and mislead us. It can distract our senses and cause us not to realise that a relationship is in trouble, or worse, dangerous to our emotional and spiritual health.

Please do not think that I am suggesting we become so STERILE that we cannot just lose total control in our spouse’s arms. Why would we turn something so enjoyable (SEX) into a clinical exchange of bodily fluids (BORING)? The marriage bed can, and should be, a place to indulge in erotic and exciting play. I just need to point out that sometimes we choose partners BECAUSE THEY ARE PHYSICALLY APPEALING TO US, and then we find out that there is NOT enough INNER ATTRACTION TO SUSTAIN US AS THEY CHANGE. And they do CHANGE. One thing about life, if you live long enough, it is the great equaliser. The young become old. The beautiful become AVERAGE (Ouch!!!), and the smooth lines of youth give way to the weathered look of experience. IF A RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON OHYSICAL ATTRACTION, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN OHYSICAL BEAUTY FADES? What happens when the burning flames (SPARKS. BUTTERFLIES) become a little more than a glow? TRUE LOVE IS STRONGER THAN THAT and can withstand the passage of time. In fact, true love is like a fine wine, growing sweeter as it ages…’

Let’s face it Booksies, physical attraction is GREAT like the good Bishop said above and we would never rebate it, but trust me, when the REAL life challenges come, and they will, his fineness would count for LESS THAN NOTHING and those sparks will be replaced by electrocution that can actually lead to death. Trust me, I have the most handsome men within my extended family and I knew how fluff they were whenever the rubber hit the road. I did NOT want that. In the storm, you would need a man of character and FAITH!!! Not a FAITHLESS A D O N I S.

Who care if your man is built like an Adonis and cannot stand by you in a storm? Those sparks you may feel now will mean nothing if he cannot stand by you in a storm.

I knew I had a GOOD MAN. A man who loved God with all of his heart and honoured me. He was ambitious in the right proportion and had a great sense of purpose. I KNEW HE COULD LEAD ME AND MY CHILDREN ALL THE WAY. I knew he could and would protect me. He was my spiritual Adonis and that more than made up for everything.

Now let us touch on the all-important subject of SEX.

untitled

You have probably heard it before but it bears repetition hun, SEX IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

(Someone needs to put that on a tee shirt and a mug and gift every Couple who have managed to abstain)

Compatibility is FIRST spiritual before it is physical, and I mean emotional, mental AND SEXUAL.

If you have a spiritual connection, you CAN work out a sexual one. You can learn on the job. The Holy Spirit is a teacher and once you open your heart and mind to HIM, He will teach you and help you to feel all the emotions you need to feel.

At this point, you probably wanna know how things turned out with me and the hubsie.

GREAT!!! BETTER THAN I EXPECTED. So my darlings, you will be just fine.

Now there were other steps I took (besides throwing every physical and mental picture of my ex down a bottomless pit). I didn’t just sit on my pretty behind and hope that someday we would click. I took the horns of the altar and prayed.

Yes my darling, I prayed. God afterall did create him and could make him delicious to my eyes. I prayed, I confessed my DAILY SEX CONFESSIONS (Yes that was the primary reason I created it). I asked the Holy Spirit to teach him some grooming skills that would help him physically and even help with fashion tips. Yes, the Holy Spirit is cool like that.

If in your case, if he has diction issues, you can teach him or get him help. These things are fixable. Remember that we are going on the presumption that the man is a godly good purposeful man. Once we got that foundation right, these other things are like I said, fixable.

My dear, little by little my husband began to change right in front of me. His color was the most appealing in the world, his stature was A D O N I S and I could not get my eyes and hands off him, literally.

Not him but close hahaha

Not him but close hahaha

I shudder to think what would have happened if I let this my 10 go just because I was not feeling butterflies. God forbid.

Mrs D, I hear you. But I DOUBT that this guy would change or that I would grow to the point you did with your hubsie.

Well darling, if you think you just CANNOT deal, then maybe you should walk away. No need marrying someone if you will continue to feel this way forever. You do NOT deserve it and neither does he.

Let’s face it sweetie, not every man out there will be a Denzel. (Btw, anyone know where I can get a Denzel-in-a-bottle). Some men still need some grooming (maybe major) to get them to be ‘all that’.

So dear Booksie, if all you are concerned about is the physical, Maybe that is why you have been chosen darling, to be his HELPER. Now get to WORK. You have a GREAT guy my darling, and I don’t want you to lose him.

Till next time,

Love,

Mrs D.

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