Dear Mrs. D, I feel no SPARKS with my partner.

*waves shyly* *covers face*

How is everybody doing?

It was a LONG hiatus, it was not meant to be but life and laziness got in the way. I apologise. Good news is, I AM BACK. Yaay…

You would not believe I didn’t even check my mailbox. I logged out totally, Emails, Twitter, everything. I am even surprised I still have a blog to return to. I had to do a password recovery for all my accounts. It was a lot of work but I got them all sorted.

I apologise for all the emails I didn’t respond to. I have now so check your inbox though some are so belated I could cry. Ooomph!!!

Ok, so I decided to launch back with a question that reoccurred in my inbox from a couple of ‘Booksies’. Yes that would be our own moniker here, Booksie, a BOOK lover, a BIBLE lover.

Ok so on to our topic,

Marrying someone you have absolutely NO attraction for.

I am talking purely physical attraction here.

You do NOT like the way he looks, his complexion, how he dresses and stuff.

Your heart does NOT do butterflies when you see him and you fear your sex life may be miserable

Most handsome man in the world, I hear

Most handsome man in the world, I hear

Sweetheart, I not only HEAR you, I FEEL you.

Why?

I have walked your shoes. I LOVED my boyfriend then (now husband) a lot and spiritually, mentally, etc, he was A-OK, BUT physically, I always thought he wasn’t quite all that. And I am quite the looker (hey, a girl is allowed to blow her trumpet, no?) I thought his color was too ‘bright’, his hair didn’t grow quite in the right shape and he could do with a more ‘fun’ personality.

But I had an ex that would give any lady major butterflies. I mean, he looked like he ALWAYS stepped out of a high fashion magazine. A D O N I S

Phew.

Now don’t get me wrong, I certainly wasn’t lusting after my ex and I knew I was done with him, but I just wished I could transfer my ex’s looks to my then boyfriend. I KNEW I would ‘explode’ literally in bed with my ex when we got married because we had such a great connection physically, plus we were PICTURE PERFECT. But spiritually? That Brother was not it AT ALL!!!

Like you know, I did go ahead to marry him because frankly, his CHARACTER more than made up for what he lacked physically. Plus I KNEW I had to stop being foolish and comparing.

Permit me to share some lines from TD Jakes Classic, THE LADY, HER LOVER AND HER LORD$(KGrHqZHJFcFHoMdKR3(BR+yh4EyyQ~~60_35

‘…PASSION (or may I say Butterflies) can bind us and mislead us. It can distract our senses and cause us not to realise that a relationship is in trouble, or worse, dangerous to our emotional and spiritual health.

Please do not think that I am suggesting we become so STERILE that we cannot just lose total control in our spouse’s arms. Why would we turn something so enjoyable (SEX) into a clinical exchange of bodily fluids (BORING)? The marriage bed can, and should be, a place to indulge in erotic and exciting play. I just need to point out that sometimes we choose partners BECAUSE THEY ARE PHYSICALLY APPEALING TO US, and then we find out that there is NOT enough INNER ATTRACTION TO SUSTAIN US AS THEY CHANGE. And they do CHANGE. One thing about life, if you live long enough, it is the great equaliser. The young become old. The beautiful become AVERAGE (Ouch!!!), and the smooth lines of youth give way to the weathered look of experience. IF A RELATIONSHIP IS BASED ON OHYSICAL ATTRACTION, WHAT HAPPENS WHEN OHYSICAL BEAUTY FADES? What happens when the burning flames (SPARKS. BUTTERFLIES) become a little more than a glow? TRUE LOVE IS STRONGER THAN THAT and can withstand the passage of time. In fact, true love is like a fine wine, growing sweeter as it ages…’

Let’s face it Booksies, physical attraction is GREAT like the good Bishop said above and we would never rebate it, but trust me, when the REAL life challenges come, and they will, his fineness would count for LESS THAN NOTHING and those sparks will be replaced by electrocution that can actually lead to death. Trust me, I have the most handsome men within my extended family and I knew how fluff they were whenever the rubber hit the road. I did NOT want that. In the storm, you would need a man of character and FAITH!!! Not a FAITHLESS A D O N I S.

Who care if your man is built like an Adonis and cannot stand by you in a storm? Those sparks you may feel now will mean nothing if he cannot stand by you in a storm.

I knew I had a GOOD MAN. A man who loved God with all of his heart and honoured me. He was ambitious in the right proportion and had a great sense of purpose. I KNEW HE COULD LEAD ME AND MY CHILDREN ALL THE WAY. I knew he could and would protect me. He was my spiritual Adonis and that more than made up for everything.

Now let us touch on the all-important subject of SEX.

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You have probably heard it before but it bears repetition hun, SEX IS NOT ROCKET SCIENCE.

(Someone needs to put that on a tee shirt and a mug and gift every Couple who have managed to abstain)

Compatibility is FIRST spiritual before it is physical, and I mean emotional, mental AND SEXUAL.

If you have a spiritual connection, you CAN work out a sexual one. You can learn on the job. The Holy Spirit is a teacher and once you open your heart and mind to HIM, He will teach you and help you to feel all the emotions you need to feel.

At this point, you probably wanna know how things turned out with me and the hubsie.

GREAT!!! BETTER THAN I EXPECTED. So my darlings, you will be just fine.

Now there were other steps I took (besides throwing every physical and mental picture of my ex down a bottomless pit). I didn’t just sit on my pretty behind and hope that someday we would click. I took the horns of the altar and prayed.

Yes my darling, I prayed. God afterall did create him and could make him delicious to my eyes. I prayed, I confessed my DAILY SEX CONFESSIONS (Yes that was the primary reason I created it). I asked the Holy Spirit to teach him some grooming skills that would help him physically and even help with fashion tips. Yes, the Holy Spirit is cool like that.

If in your case, if he has diction issues, you can teach him or get him help. These things are fixable. Remember that we are going on the presumption that the man is a godly good purposeful man. Once we got that foundation right, these other things are like I said, fixable.

My dear, little by little my husband began to change right in front of me. His color was the most appealing in the world, his stature was A D O N I S and I could not get my eyes and hands off him, literally.

Not him but close hahaha

Not him but close hahaha

I shudder to think what would have happened if I let this my 10 go just because I was not feeling butterflies. God forbid.

Mrs D, I hear you. But I DOUBT that this guy would change or that I would grow to the point you did with your hubsie.

Well darling, if you think you just CANNOT deal, then maybe you should walk away. No need marrying someone if you will continue to feel this way forever. You do NOT deserve it and neither does he.

Let’s face it sweetie, not every man out there will be a Denzel. (Btw, anyone know where I can get a Denzel-in-a-bottle). Some men still need some grooming (maybe major) to get them to be ‘all that’.

So dear Booksie, if all you are concerned about is the physical, Maybe that is why you have been chosen darling, to be his HELPER. Now get to WORK. You have a GREAT guy my darling, and I don’t want you to lose him.

Till next time,

Love,

Mrs D.

To the Christian Couple, MARRIAGE is MINISTRY!!!

My work keeps me on the internet a lot.
Researching is my forte.
And trust me, it gets really really heart breaking, in the course of my job, to ‘bump into’ some of the ‘situations’ that people call marriage these days. Many days, I am moved to actual tears. Marriage is such a powerful covenant, with inherent powers within that institution to change one’s life. So you are best off making sure you choose right and let your life change for the better.
But today, I really don’t wanna talk to the singles about making the right choice, I wanna talk to we married women about just doing marriage right knowing that not only are people watching and learning, people actually need good examples.
‘…Your job is to speak out on things that make for solid doctrine… Teach the older (married) women how to be models of goodness so by looking at them, younger women will know how to love their husbands, and children, be virtuous and pure, keep a good house and be good wives… We don’t want anyone looking down on God’s Message because of their behavior…’ Titus 2;1-6
For some funny reason, there is a dearth of good marriage examples. I mean like good, great, CHRSTIAN godly examples.
So this beautiful day, I am in the kitchen, thinking by myself as some horror marriage stories I have stumbled upon unfold before me scene by scene. Looks like the numbers increase every day. Marriages breaking up HORRIBLY by the minute. Kids and young persons having warped ideas about what the Father’s intends for marriages to be.
And for me, that is the painful part. Teaching and propagating a lie to the veneration coming behind us. The more we have such bad examples, the more they make this institution seem like a huge joke.
Oh my!!!
And may I just add at this point that if for some reason, your marriage is not working out right, I truly feel for you and I pray God helps you through it but please don’t tarnish the institution I beg of you. It is we humans that are flawed. From the beginning, God didn’t intend it to be so… Don’t perpetuate a lie…
So while I am meditating that Sunday afternoon, the Holy Spirit just drops that phrase right into my spirit…
‘…For every Christian couple, marriage is MINISTRY…’

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Yet to read this book but I am sure to love the message within

Maybe we should all stop looking to ONLY the pulpit or people with Christian titles for examples. Our own marriages too can teach others how much FUN this can be when it is done right.
Of course, the marriage institution comes with its own challenges. No doubt. Afterall Paul has this to say about marriage
…All I am saying is that when you marry, you take on additional stress in already stressful times… 1st Cor 7;28
But we need to show that there are wise godly recommended ways to handle them issues, without tearing the marriage apart.
I truly believe that as we shine the lights of our flourishing marriages, we give those coming behind us wonderful examples to follow.
So dear Christian couple, more examples are truly needed. Your marriage is ministry, whether or not you have a pulpit. Whether or not you have a blog or magazine. Offline work is as important as online work. Some young girl needs you to show her the way. To mentor her through. Some young man needs to see you Sir, love your wife like Christ loves the Church. A newly married or about to be married couple needs to see you truly leading your family and household in the way of God as Abraham did. Where you can, invite them into your house and show them the way. Too many bad examples out there and if we don’t step in ACTIVELY, things will get worse. Older married couples need to mentor the younger ones. Younger couples can mentor the singles too. You may actually be saving a life, and I am not kidding.
Of course, this goes without saying that you are truly doing your marriage by the BOOK whether publicly or privately. Remember, you cannot give what you do not have. But what you have, you really must give/share. The devil is working overtime. This battle just got realer… Onward Christian Soldiers!!!
At some point in this Christian walk, you begin to realize that you should live your life for reasons beyond you. Especially if it is a worthy cause. I think this is a worthy cause. Most especially in these really bad times.
So, shall we do ministry with our marriages…?
Post dedicated to all the amazing Christian wives out there that I know if only virtually
@inthemidstofher, @Naijawife, @AnAfricanDiva @pastormildred @EziahaA, DrNmusings and others…
And Happy new month too…
Love and Light
Mrs. D

Marriage Misconceptions & the Koko…. 2

I forgot to apologize about comments and mails I haven’t responded to.
Will get to it all this weekend.
Remember you can mail me at marriagebydbook@gmail.com
Twitter? @marriagebydbook

Ok here goes part 2…
You may wanna read Part 1 here for some context
http://marriagebydbook.com/2014/03/14/marriage-misconceptions-the-koko/
Then some felt MONEY was the koko. Once we are rich, our marriage will be solid!!!
Hmmmmmmmmmmm.
*exhales*
Tricky money. Even the bible admits that ‘wealth sprouts wings and flies off into the wild blue yonder’ Proverbs 23:5. 
The bible also calls it ‘unfaithful mammon’.
Stuff with wings are absolutely NOT under your control. Unless you have taken our time to tame and master money, it would deal RUTHLESSLY with your marriage.

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A marriage built on the foundation of money will soon CRASH

And that’s just me putting the truth out there without embellishments.
Think for a minute though, if money was the dominant cement, then the richest people would NEVER divorce and people without a lot of money would be totally miserable in marriage.
But is that always the case? No ma’am!!!
Matter of fact, I know a couple who had this unexpected money windfall and that sudden entrance of money saw the end of that marriage. Sad story indeed.
My darlings, where there is selfishness, greed, and lack of trust in a marriage with a tosh load of money, that money will eventually be the death of that marriage.
Money is definitely very very important.
Even The Book says ‘Money answereth all things…’ But when you put Money above all things in a marriage, OYO is ya case ooo *in Rita Dominic’s voice*
One thing we even forget is that no matter how much we have, financial security comes from only God as we serve and worship Him with that money cos at the end of the day, it is His own.
Yup you can buy a house by the sea complete with cooks, stewards and nannies, a yacht, maybe a private jet, more cars than you can ever ride (and boy, do men love cars or what?!?!), go on vaycays five times a year, and all the other fineries that money can get you BUT still be in a totally miserable marriage. The good thing is that you can have all of the above and enjoy a heaven-on-earth marriage. Once both of you have learnt to make money the slave and not the master, not negotiate on your tithe no matter how big or small it is, ditto offerings and seeds, and also help those you can help, money will make your marriage sweeter and would even keep increasing. 
Basically, learn to honor God even with your substance.
I read the Omotola and hubby interview in Punch last week. http://www.punchng.com/spice/personalities/i-dont-believe-in-gender-equality-omotola-ekeinde/ I love how she talked about money and how tithing is one of their family secrets. Smart woman. She also mentioned something on not believing in gender equality as the man is UNQUESTIONABLY head but that’s story for another day. Tonight is date night so I gotta finish this off and scoot. 😉 Very smart woman, that Omosexy. Please read the interview.
Ok back to money.
And please no money hanky panky games too. It is no longer YOUR money but OUR money. Ditto debts if any. If you are still so into ‘your money’ you may wanna put a pause on becoming ONE with someone else till you have sorted yourself. Money is definitely one aspect of marriage where you should be ONE indeed.
Whether you guys are just starting out in life or have attained some level of financial heaviness and stability, be sure you both are on the same page and there are no secrets or lies. If keeping a joint account works for you, fine. Sometimes it may not work for you as a result of work, diverse business concerns and stuff but be sure you are as open as possible, find a formula that works for you, be financially prudent and reasonable, don’t take independent decisions without consulting your partner, and most importantly, you have access to each others account(s). E-banking passwords and credit/debit card details should not be kept secret.

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Have family financial projects together and be sure to agree on whatever decision is taken in that home as regards money. One lady actually asked what if she wants to give HER money to HER parents, does she need her husband’s nod first? Babe, that the account has you as the sole signatory of that account doesn’t make it ‘MY’ money. Ditto the man. It is OUR money and that’s the simplest way I can put it. If you have trust issues with that person, please don’t marry!!!
Of course, both man and wife should be reasonable in their spending. Wisdom is profitable to direct. Indulge in a few luxuries, but don’t forget to take your sister Wisdom along.
In my home, we run separate accounts and so every end of the month, we sit and analyze what and what we have spent on. What’s taking the lion’s share of the budget? Are we doing ‘due diligence’ in investing in things that pertain to His kingdom or are we ‘eating’ unreasonably more than we are sowing or saving?
You really can’t be casual about your finances in a marriage(or even in life). A good time to start is as a Single. If you are married tho, the best time to start is NOW!!! Mismanagement of money can be a bane of any marriage if we are not careful. So prayerfully plan and manage God’s money that He has given you as a Steward because he who is faithful in little, even more shall be given him… But he who is unfaithful, even the little he has shall be taken away from him. So be financially wise!!!
So money, loads of money, alone cannot cement a marriage. If you have two selfish and trust-deficient people, money will eventually fuel the fire that would burn that marriage.

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But even if the woman is ‘richer’ than the man, or the money is either in ‘deficit’ or in ‘excess’, two good, selfless, trustworthy and sold-out-to-God persons can still make that marriage work.

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Again, please what works in your home doesn’t have to be the blueprint for everyone else. If you two agree that the woman stays home to train her kids, and the man brings in all the money, fine. But don’t assume for a minute that the man who allows his wife to pursue her career to the zenith is not being wise. Or the women who engage the services of nannies and homehelps are ‘not domesticated’. To each his own. Some domestic Queens have ‘problem kids’ still while some career women have wonder kids and vice-versa. Wisdom!!!

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Just be sure that whatever you do works for you and is in the best interest, as much as it depends on you, of your family and kids especially. And of course, be sure you are still on track with THE BOOK…
Marriage? It sure is hardwork but without the Holy Spirit, it is the HARDEST work you will ever do and you will end up frustrated.
So yes, involve the HolySpirit to make it enjoyable hardwork with great rewards. Get WISE counsel. Don’t compare. Be selfless. Love. Forgive. Be teachable. Be careful who you talk to and what you read.
For me, the koko has to be FRIENDSHIP (PLEASE I BEG YOU, MARRY YOUR FRIEND) Trust, Love (a la 1st Cor 13), Selflessness, Faithfulness and of course, a teachable/submissive-to-God spirit. With all these, the rest will fall into place (sex,money,etc)

And Singles, may I just add this line?

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Don't overload yourself Darling

Farabale 🙂

I know that if I put a DISCLAIMER of ‘Married or matured singles only should read this post’, you would have still read it.
Just remember, SOKOTO not SHOKOTO
🙂

Love&Light
Mrs. D

PS
@inthemidstofher has this lovely post on the Arts Science of marriage
http://www.inthemidstofher.com/2014/03/arts-and-sciences.html
I totally loved it.
You too can read it…

Marriage Misconceptions & the Koko….1

Been a while here…
I apologize. Life has been happening.
Ok so what’s up for today?
A double dose… Yaaaay!!! Tz a long read so I’ll just post part 1 and 2 seeing as I don’t like ‘to be continued’ tinz…

Ok so I had a post all planned out on ‘The Praying wife’ but recently, my friends and I had an opportunity to hang out with some Sisters, both single and married and I just realized that there is so much misintepretation and misconceptions out there on marriage and sex especially… It was a Q n A ‘let’s talk about it’ session.

Wise (wo)men stores up knowledge… proverbs 10:14

First of all, I like to say that while it is VERY important to get as much information as you can as a Single in preparation for marriage or as a Mrs. looking to even better her marriage, it is EQUALLY as important to be sure you are getting not only the RIGHT information but that you are not getting TOO MUCH INFORMATION!!!

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Yes I said it, TMI. Information overload!!!
Don’t awaken or stir not up love till the time is right… SOS 2:7 , 8:4 , and a third place.
Interesting how the most ROMANTIC book of the bible warns us to be careful…

Now I am all for knowledge. I am a voracious reader. Once I hear you as much as hint about a book that can bless me, I’m looking for it both online and offline.
So earlier last year, I chanced on this conversation my Pastor was having. She mentioned a Christian Sex book and I’m like ‘oh I should totally get it since we are thinking of getting married late in the year’ and she emphatically told me NO!!! Even if you have to get it, please keep it somewhere safe till you are CLOSE TO MARRIAGE!!! I gave her the evil eye though but I didn’t read it till I had need of it. In the same way a reader commented on my SEX CONFESSIONS post.

‘…shud it be confessed if you are not yet in a relationship…also hope the confessions don’t wana make yu fantasize about the body of the woman especially for men who are imaginative…?’

Wise question. The obvious answer is NO!!!

I didn’t start the SEX confessions till marriage was real close and I got even more serious with it in marriage.

So in the words of ‘imperfectly perfect’ who responded…

‘…Ah, I share that guys fears too, it would be better to confess this when the marriage don dey near, instead of feeding my mind and dreaming of the “the day” when e never near.
Thanks for the tips ma’am, I don put am for “shokoto not sokoto”. Lol…’

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Yes indeed! Information for Sokoto no Shokoto…

Now there was this girl (and several others) in the audience who were dishing out to us several incredible total misinformations about sex and most of their thoughts just went on to show that not only have they overdosed on TMI, most of it were wrong too. Oh they were mostly singles.

One actually believed that sex was the beginning and end of a marriage!!! You will sex up everyday, everywhere, break cups and plates like the movies, sex swings will be a regular, etc!!!

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What if this happens? Looool


ROTFL… I was really laughing at this.
There was just some sort of buzz and misplaced excitement about sex. And I see that a lot in singles. I have a dear male friend who also has all sorts of fantasies about how his wife must ‘do’ when he eventually marries her.
I actually laugh at him and tell him to ‘coolu temper’ but he doesn’t agree.
I guess he will get that in marriage 😉
Looooool
I must have missed that memo because I didn’t fantasize THAT much about sex as a single. I had heard a certain popular female preacher say that so long as two unselfish people(believers) come together, sex would be great cos God himself z d originator. I knew it would happen but I was careful not to dream up fantasies. And guess what, it turned out GREAT!!!
Well, I guess sex would really be the beginning and end if we spent all our lives in bed!!! Unfortunately Sugar, that is NOT and will NEVER be the case.
Personal story here… About two weeks into my marriage, I had a UTI gotten as a result of sex. Virgin-alumnus me!!! Loool. Infact we were still away on the moon when it happened. Doctor said it was ‘normal’, I got treated, got better and in like a month, another issue. So for like a month, I was adviced to stay off sex.
So was my marriage over?
Definitely NO.
What if wifey is preggers? What if someone has to take a year to study or something? Does that mean the absence of sex is the end of the marriage?
If you are banking on SEX to be that cement, you are definitely building your marriage on sand…
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Least of all marriage


Sex is absolutely important in a marriage. You can’t under estimate its importance. But you will soon realize that sex alone won’t work. I like to compare it to Multi-vitamins. While it is very important in keeping the body running, and without it, the body will soon begin to suffer, the body will also NEVER survive on just vitamins. Ditto a marriage is not likely to survive and actually thrive on just SEX as a cement.
Curious case though, prostitutes sex all kinds of people. Ever wondered why they find it easy to ‘get up and go’? Ditto a philandering person? Cos truth is, where you isolate sex as the only cement, SEX IS JUST SEX!!!
Then some wanted to find out about the permissible sexual acts in marriage.
Btw, most questions were written down so anonymity was guaranteed…
Ok, so oral, anal, doggy, whatever…?
Can I just add at this point that it pays you to actually be a member of a good church and have sound, Christian, older, mature, couple mentors over your marriage.
In my marriage counselling class (btw most marriage counsellors/churches save sex classes for the last), one of the couples that handled sex actually told us that he and his wife DO NOT engage in a particular type of sex cos they find it disgusting but hey, if you guys want to, there are no rules per se. Please indulge. It is allowed. Of course pornography, orgies, and any other style that endangers anyone’s health or is an outright sin against God should be avoided. Whether you both are conservative and derive all the joy from the missionary style or if you AGREE to swing from the chandelier to the curtains and slide down, into a mobile bathtub and from there roll into the bed, by all means DO!!! Whether you choose to make love daily, thrice a day, thrice a week, once a week, whatever!!!

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Like we were counselled, just be sure you don’t deprive each other of it for prolonged periods (without any major reason) cos that Vitamin S is VERY important!!!  The marriage bed (or in some cases room or house) is yours, please spice it up and enjoy it!!! Sex is and should be guiltless pleasure but where problems come is when you have gotten all kinds of sick information and you start comparing.
Now speaking of comparing. One of the ladies there, a Christian counsellor, shared with us what comparisons could do from some stories of couples she had counselled. So husband is the ‘been-there done-that’ kinda guy. Then gets married to a relatively more ‘innocent’ babe. And starts demanding all ‘sorts’ from babe early in the marriage. Now for most virgins, it would take you some time post deflowering to adjust to sex. The last thing you wanna be thinking of at that time is *insert all those unconventional yet not sinful styles here*
She is still getting used to her freshman sex years and there you are demanding a Ph.D sex thesis. You see why God really wanted us to abstain till we are married and start this duet with our covenant partner only, and keep tweaking and tweaking till we can even win a Grammy? That way, you don’t even have comparisons. You learn and keep perfecting on the JOB!!!
This is also the case when even though one hasn’t ‘been there done that’ he or she has overdosed on information from others (like questionable blogs, websites, friends, etc) and maybe pornography. You have some crazy picture in your head and you are trying to make your partner be that. Unfair much…
Now I am not saying be frigid. I’ll never say that. Sex should be a total ‘let yourself free’ sort of thing. Experiment, learn, but don’t have unreasonable expectations. Pace yourselves and eventually, you both will become pro. 

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Sex is really not rocket science. Neither is it off-the-rack wholesale. No dear Sister, it is customised couture!!! Made for just two people in a marriage covenant!!!
It was such an amazing session, trust me!!!

Part two will be up in a couple of minutes… Yes you can hold your breath

Love&Light
Mrs. D

The Valentine date that wasn’t…

Hey darlings,
First off, a big thank you to every of my followers, new and old. Every time I get a prompt that ‘so and so is now following your blog’ my heart leaps for joy and something within me awakens to keep on doing this for the sake of His glory alone. If we don’t shine the light of God’s word about marriages, the world would flood us with their own ideas and trust the devil. He is not slacking at all. He keeps attacking marriages so any opportunity we have to set the records straight, we should not hesitate to.
Meanwhile you too can follow the blog so anytime I publish a new post, you get an alert in your mail box. That way, you read the posts hot and you don’t have to miss any post again. Just enter your email address in the box provided at the end of the page and confirm it by clicking the link sent to your mailbox. You may also tick the box that says same just under the dialogue box that opens whenever you want to post a comment. That simple…
Before I get to my Valentine gist which I am super sure everyone is waiting to hear, two posts I read this morning as I did my round on blogsville this morning.
Will I have a good marriage? by OnePlus http://oneplustheone.blogspot.com/2014/02/will-i-have-good-marriage.html
God needs examples by E’ http://eziaha.com/2014/02/16/god-needs-examples/
You should check them out. I was totally blessed reading them.
Ok on to the Valentine gist…
This story is actually funny. I will begin with the morale of the story first…
Valentine day is actually not ALL that. If you didn’t get a gift or you didn’t have a val, no biggie darling. I see all sorts of people put themselves under pressure especially singles just to show that they too were val’ed. That guy you really wouldn’t date or even say hi to from a distance becomes attractive all of a sudden because it is VAL’S DAY and you don’t wanna be seen as that girl who wasn’t val’ed. I saw this crap happen a lot in my University and I thought it made a good laugh. For some, that 12midnight delivery of val’s gifts was as important as an Aplus. Maybe even more. They just had to have it. Rotfl… I am sure it also happens in secondary school. It is well ooo.
Of course, I am not knocking gifts giving and showing love among friends and lovers. I actually love it. Both receiving but even more giving. I am also not knocking Feb 14 as St. Valentine’s day. While you don’t need just one day to show love, making that one day special and tagging it a DAY OF LOVE is not a bad idea. Just the same way you don’t need to talk HIV/Aids only on WORLD’S AIDS DAY but hey December 1 has been set apart just to mark it. Ditto December 25 (which is most likely NOT even when JESUS was born) or even Easter and all that. But for someone to put herself under pressure, reduce her standards to a point where even toads can apply, put her partner under pressure to ‘out-perform’ her girlfriend’s/neighbour’s partner all for Val’s day is just a real laugh. And trust me, I saw a lot of that in my college years. Thank God for BBM, Facebook and Twitter. Then they would show it off there.
Darling, If for some reason, you didn’t get a gift from your partner on VAL’S DAY, that is not enough reason to conclude that He doesn’t love you or to move on. Especially if you get gifts on other days. Sorry to say sweetie, while Val’s day has its importance (especially for bakers and supermarket owners lol) Val’s day is really not that important trust me.
There you have it. The rather lengthy morale of the story.
Now the story.
I had always wanted to buy my hubby this particular gadget. He absolutely needed it but we had more pressing issues to attend to, so we agreed and  moved that to April. It was important yes but not urgent. But I prayed and trusted God for the finances to come in as an extra so I could get it for him.
By the end of January or so, I got paid a bonus and I was thrilled. Yay God!!! I could afford it easily. I found a way to keep that lil secret from him FOR THE TIME BEING despite the fact that we run our finances together. I was actually going to get it way before the 14th but I figured I might as well take advantage of that date. I handed it to him and he was first super super thrilled.
Then guilty. Lol.
D absolutely got me nothing!!! As in not that he got me something small ooo and decided to make it bigger lol. He didn’t get me anything AT ALL. And on our first valentine as a couple. Anyways since it was Friday which is a normal date night for us, he decided to take me out. He had this ‘special place’ he discovered a year or so ago and it was bahhhhd (or so he said lol). Despite wanting to just go to our regular place because I was real tired, I dressed up for D, complete with my uncomfy but beautiful loubs and we drove right across town to it. My people, we got there and guess what restaurant had closed shop MONTHS BEFORE??? Yes!!! This baaaaahd place. Hmm. I didn’t say a word ooo. Oh did I mention how hungry I was and that ride made me hungrier. Ugh. So we decide to drive around to see if we could find more and my dears, everywhere was packed full. You needed a reservation to get into most. Then we finally drive closer home to our regular and because it was late, I couldn’t wait for the time it would take to prep the meal so I told him that I would rather go home and eat my own food. Which is finally what happened ooo.
He did feel a tad bad that I had gotten him such a heartfelt and EXPENSIVE gift (It was still new in the market so you can imagine) and he got me nothing. Then wasted time driving a hungry me around town and dashing my hopes, only to end up at home and drag my hungry and totally tired self to the kitchen to cook for BOTH OF US…
He later told me that he had planned with a friend of mine to order something for me but she kinda disappointed him and it was already last minute so… Cool story yeah? Lol
Was I angry? Not even a little…
Did I feel less loved? Not even a quarter of an inch…
Does D love me? To all the galaxies and back…
With the benefit of foresight and hindsight, would I have still given D the gift? BEFORE…?
Did my Val’s day suck? Hell no!!! Cos I am a home-body and we spent the rest of the night in each other’s arms, sharing a drink and seeing a movie… #PerfectForMe
Does he and will he continue to give me gifts on a regular, Val’s day or not? You bet…
But will I be gisting my kids about this and yabbing Daddy in the process especially warning my boy to always call and make a reservation if he is going to trip his lady? You bet I will…
D, you best prepared for that o…
And just incase you are thinking of what next to do for me, a treadmill will be just fine. Don’t worry, I won’t act like I hinted you. I would actually act surprised. Lol.
Now the morale of this story?
Please scroll up.
And for those of you who got gifts, I am secretly hating. But feel free to share with me in the comments section.

Love and Light…
Mrs. D

This TRUST thing

Sometimes, I am not sure if we should place trust above love or love above trust in a marriage…
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Tz on days like this that I wonder…
On good days though, I know we need both.
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Allow me to focus on trust here.
I was watching this movie where some action wifey does gets mis-interpreted/misread/misjudged/jumbled up/etc by hubby and the marriage that was already catwalking slowly down the lane  suddenly began to sprint…
First thing I thought was ‘why didn’t hubby make an excuse for this woman till at least they could sit down and talk it over rather than just outrightly assume she had to be cheating…’
Eish…
I have seen several scenarios like that in real life where the trust is so shaky, suspicions are sky high, otherwise harmless scenarios/happenstances are misinterpreted and so on…
Then I recalled two stories that happened in my home. Well, I recalled more but I wanna share just two… The rest I have shared in several forums so once I share here, my anonymity would be, well, shaky…
First,
Before we got married, hubby had gone on and on about how he is excited he is getting married to a virgin, and he had made a big deal of the hymen tear and the blood spilling and all that… All he had were my words, ‘…I am a V…’
Then we got married, and went off for honeymoon… I am so sparing y’all details but my people, there was no breaking of anything hymen neither was there any blood… Nor pain…lol
But I knew I was disvirgined…
Hahahahaha
Now, I didn’t play no sports or ride no horse… If anyone deserved to have an intact hymen, it had to be me.
But there was nothing of the sort…
Now I have seen wahala come out of situations like this.
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I mean, the proof of virginity is in the blood, no? You begin to distrust the woman. She lied to you after all. Then every male friend becomes suspect. I heard of a hubby who now took wifey to a Gyne to ‘check’… Trust me (pun intended), I have no idea what the gyne was checking…
But my hubby, he didn’t even sweat it. All he wanted was for me to be SURE I had been ‘disvirgined’ if you can call it that and he never doubted anything for even a second…
Trust!!!
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In marriage, it has to be absolute!!!

Secondly…
I had made a quick work-related trip outta town for two weeks. Then when I return and I’m unpacking, I find a
*wait for this*
LIP GLOSS right in the wardrobe THAT IS NO WAY MINE!!!
Now please note that we live in a VERY private place and we hardly have house guests… And when we host guests, of course they don’t get to the bedroom OR the wardrobe loool…
So how do you explain a lipgloss there please?
The truth is I am actually really laughing as I type this cos I remember all the ‘drilling’ I gave my husband and how he kept on either laughing or ignoring me… Cos all he needed to tell me was ‘…oh I have never seen it before. Are you sure it ain’t yours? I dunno how it got there…’ and that was it…
OK granted, I got a kick from just looking for his trouble and postulating all sorts of theories about the mysterious appearance of the lip gloss while he just kept laughing and laughing at my mock anger and accusations…
I imagine that we would have had a civil war 2 in some homes when that sort of thing appears…
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Lip gloss ke, you BETTER HAVE A VEEEERY GOOD explanation or else…
But na, I TRUST my husband.
Frankly, we don’t know how that lipgloss got there and double frankly, I am NOT bothered.
The devil can plant lip glosses and even g-strings, I chose to believe hubby and only hubby…
And trust me, the devil tried to put all sorts in my head… Lol.
And no, I am neither gullible nor naive, I TRUST him.
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I had a 100% trust in him before we got married. I pray for him daily that he would continue to walk in the ways of the Lord and do what is right NOT because of me but because He fears God…
The truth is that LOVE is NOT enough… I am sure I burst a lot of bubbles right there…
Sawry…
Because no matter the volume of love you have, where trust is absent, the love tank will soon be empty…
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I really don’t care what you tell me about hubby, I will speak to him first before I draw any conclusions. And if he tells me, (with my spiritual sensors working full blast) I sure as heaven am believing him…
Why?
Because I established the trust even before we got married.
Saying I LOVE YOU is wayyyyyyy EASIER than saying I TRUST YOU…
Ladies, if you can’t TRUST that man, and I do mean WHOLLY trust him, don’t marry.
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Trust me, (pun intended again)you will need to save your energy for more important things in the marriage than unnecessary suspicion…
Speaking of which, you would not believe we still haven’t tossed that lip gloss…
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But maybe we shouldn’t… It sure gives me something to ‘fight’ D about… Abi what do you think?

Love
Mrs. D